Marijuana Problem In Relationship

Dear June,

I have a woman friend I am deeply committed to. She has a problem with smoking marijuana for the last 15 years. She is currently working with a trusted therapist and her medical doctor to find answers for ending her habit. She wants to quit but has had terrible reactions with all the medical prescriptions given by her doctor in the past. This leaves her unwilling to attempt new treatments. However, she says she will keep trying.

She is very energetic and believes she is gifted or has ADD/ADHD. I've seen how being away from pot leaves her unfocused and easily distracted by all that goes on around her. This, she says, makes her edgy, highly irritable, and hard to live with her own emotions and racing thoughts. I used to believe the pot could do only harm (besides the obvious legal issues). However, I don't like to admit, I see it as an effective remedy for her overstimulation.

Is this issue big enough to keep a couple from getting married? There are children involved in our relationship - my 4 yr old son and 14 yr old step son and her 12 and 15 yr old boys and 14 yr old daughter. By all outward appearances, the children are well adjusted and have normal relationships. I feel if we would not survive this issue, at least I am somehow meant to be there for her kids and help them to overcome some of the fallout, should they need help.

J

Dear J,

I commend you for asking this hard question about your partner's marijuana problem in your relationship before you make a commitment.

Only you can answer IF her marijuana problem is a BIG enough issue to you.  What you are trying to decide is if being with an addiction free partner is an essential expectation for you or if it is just a need expectation. 

The difference is:  If it is an essential for you, then you need to walk away.  An essential expectation is a requirement that you absolutely know you need for any relationship to work regardless how wonderful everything else is.  Essential expectations are often referred to as "deal breakers".  Essential expectations are something you require of yourself and know without a doubt it has to be there for the relationship to work.  Some examples of essential expectations for many couples would be fidelity, shared faith, open communication, freedom from addictions or lawfully correct.

Whereas, a need expectation is something that will cause tension if it is not negotiated or resolved.  And a want expectation is something that would be nice in a relationship but will not make it or break it.

Here is the bottom line that may help you resolve this marijuana question:

Can I live with her marijuana use forever if she never changes? 

If you know you truly cannot then committing to the relationship is not wise unless, or until, you see consistent enduring behavior change.  I am not clear to what degree her use is affecting the children.  You indicate "by all outward appearances the children are well adjusted".   What would the children tell me? Are the children aware?  Having a parent using marijuana, while telling a teenager not to use substances, is a difficult scenario for sure.

Wishing you the best in your difficult decision,

June Safty Odegard
Helping couples determine their essentials, needs and wants!