Relationship Insecurity

Dear June,

I’m already engaged, but thought you might be able to help me with my dilemma before the wedding. Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

I’m getting married in March 2006. My fiancé, Scott, and I have arranged a destination wedding. Several family members and friends will be joining us for the weeklong festivities down South. One of the guests, Ann, makes me very uncomfortable. In retrospect, I don’t feel she should have been invited, but here’s the story:

Ann is Scott’s ex-girlfriend. She’s also one of Scott’s sisters’ best friends. Between that friendship and the former relationship, Ann has significant ties to my future family-in-law. She’s now married to one of Scott’s best friends, John. The four of us got together several times, including a full weekend, before Scott admitted to their past. That’s a sore spot with me. I’m not even sure that John knows to this day.

John’s father was terminally ill when we drafted our guest list. I was persuaded that the invitation was strictly a courtesy, and they would never consider attending because of John’s father. Sadly, he passed away in December, and their trip was subsequently booked. I don’t fear that Scott will be unfaithful or anything drastic like that. He assures me he feels nothing towards Ann and hasn’t for many years.

What I don’t know is what goes on in Ann’s mind. Maybe she thinks about what it was like when they were together, or maybe she wonders what it would be like if they’d stayed together. Maybe she constantly fantasizes about their intimate moments. Some might say that I shouldn’t put any stock into what Ann thinks about. But the bottom line is that she makes me uncomfortable, and I don’t need that on my wedding day (week), or ever for that matter. Visuals have been created in my mind, and her presence only invokes them.

I don’t put my past under Scott’s nose, and I feel I deserve the same respect. Even if I get through the week in one piece, it doesn’t end there. Ann is an inevitable part of our future. Even if the four of us discontinue our “friendship”, her ties with Scott’s sister and the rest of the family make interaction with Ann a reality.

I’m a successful, attractive woman, with a kind heart. I have no reason to be jealous or insecure of Ann. Nevertheless, she’s been the cause of conflict in my relationship more than once.

First of all, I’d like to try to understand why I feel this way. And secondly, I need to know how to deal with these feelings and this irritating situation in its’ entirety.

Dear Jealous and Insecure,

First of all, I think you answered your relationship insecurity question when you indicated that you "have no reason to be jealous or insecure" and you "don't know what is going on in Ann's mind".  Your feelings toward Ann are just feelings and you are only making assumptions about her thoughts about Scott. Unless she has given you specific reason to not trust her or Scott, I think it is important to recognize that what you feel is unhealthy for your new marriage. 

It is important to remember that it is normal for partners to date other people before they decide who they want to spend the rest of their life with.  I would think you might feel quite confident, rather than insecure, that your finance' choose you above everyone else he has encountered, including Ann. 

Certainly discuss your insecurity feelings with Scott and see how he feels about informing John so everyone is aware.  Unless you have specific reason to believe she is undermining your relationship, I wouldn't give her or your insecurity any more power or time. 

It doesn't need to be all or nothing which means there is alot of room to function between the two extreme reactions of ragging jealous victim and naive stupid dupe.  You might do well by working with a professional to deal with where and whom these feeling really belong.  Maybe your jealous insecure self is simply a behavior you have witnessed and are modeling.

For sure, you have a right to determine with Scott who you enjoy spending time with.  It sounds like there will be times you can't avoid contact but you do have say how much time and how you spend it in the future.  As far as the wedding day, at this point, it is hard to take back an invitation.

I leave you with my final thought, "Don't borrow maybe troubles, the interest is too high".

Let me know if this helps,

June Safty Odegard