Past Abusive Relationship

My girlfriend, who is the love of my life and I am hers, has difficulty communicating. She was in an abusive relationship a few years back and she has a hard time feeling her opinion and feelings really count.

I tell her constantly how special she is and that what she thinks and feels means the world to me. When we have any disagreements, her initial reaction is to blame herself and say I deserve better.

I am always saying there is no right or wrong and being right means nothing to me, I just want for us to discuss things as partners. Any other tips? She acknowledges this and is trying and making progress.

Thank you so much.

H.

H.

Past abusive relationships are certainly difficult to know how to handle. First of all I must commend you for being so understanding. You are handling the situation very well. Keep at it.

It takes at least five positive interactions to undo one negative. So even though it was not you that created her doubts in herself, she needs people to help confirm that she is worth while and worthy of her opinion.

Continue to not let her get away with blaming herself. Also continue to allow her to experience that disagreements are okay and how healthy disagreements happen. Some communication counseling or coaching could help.

Another idea would be to work through Dr. Phil's book, Self Matters which helps address past critical incidents and how they falsely shape our thinking. Her self worth may have been confused long before the past abusive relationship as people that don't respect themselves are easier prey for abusive people.

Hope that helps,

June